Living on love and fresh air

Growing up I would often hear this phrase from adults around me attempting to bring the ‘youngsters’ heads out of the clouds. “You cannot live on love and fresh air” they would say passionately. “You need a means of earning – you need food and clothing and a roof over your head” they would argue with the young lovers, in support of their case.

After my last week at Camporsevoli in Cetono I would challenge this. Surrounded by amazing creative minds who give themselves permission to listen to their hearts and challenge the status quo. In the midst of the pine woods with chatter of squirrels, hooting of owls and the calming buzz of bees and wasps. Housed in stone walls that have tales to tell from the 1200’s. I tell you – I could live on love and fresh air.

At the best of times I have always had a very tricky relationship with food. I ate when I was sad, when I celebrated and when even when i was anxious. I promise you – with all the words whirring in my head, the smell of wine, the sound of sweet poetry and freedom of laughter – I forget to eat. I Just don’t feel hungry! And even when I do eat -it’s sun-drenched ripe peaches, or the rosiest tomatoes and freshest basil – off the plant outside, drizzled with balsamic and Italian olive oil that call me.

So I AM living on love – love for all that is in this world! for the beautiful universe! Love for The amazing tribe I have met, that I feel a part of. Love for my courageous self and my beautiful supportive family. Love for the warm sun and the diving birds and the productive bees. Love for the light butterflies and the delicious joy that fills me.

Yeah! Living on love and fresh air is definitely possible. Sorry to say Old Folk “Quite addictive Too!”

Mirror mirror on the wall….

I have been cocooning the last few days. Loving my Siena hillside escape.

And in this deep space of connection, introspection, writing and and love for all that is – I am seeing people I love and things I do from a different perspective. Maybe it’s the distance or the intoxication of these Tuscan winelands. who knows?

So a school mum, shared with me telephonically how hurt she was by something her dad did to her, how it made her feel alone and abandoned. And I heard her out and empathized and encouraged her to see it from his point of view and forgive and let it go.

The interesting about this scenario is, this same mum did to her 18 year old kid- about 2 years ago -exactly what she just shared, her dad had done to her. What amazed me – was how she couldn’t see it.? How when I brought it to her attention she denied that it was the same thing and truly couldn’t see it. It was really as if she had reframed what she had done to her own daughter and the memory of the event is now forever stored in this ‘easier to believe’ rewritten script.

Shortly after this incident I heard my best friend reflect on how supportive and accepting she had been to me during my difficult personal processing times. Now this is no new friend – a friend of decades: and again I was stunned. Cos from my point of view the way she ‘supported’ me was to dissociate from me and not address the areas I was dealing with nor the means by which I was trying to clarify. And I really used to feel quite alone and neglected, but assumed this was the way she could cope.

So what I took from this was-:

1) An understanding that we recreate stories about our own shadow parts – that we find difficult to integrate – and then believe these fictional stories about events. To help us cope? Maybe..

2) And when we deal with others, we do for them what we think they need without communicating to ask if thats what they needed in the first place. Why? Are we afraid they might ask more of us – and we will have to admit to ourselves that the ‘more’ is out of our comfort zone and accept that we can’t give them what they need? Or is it cos we assume we know what’s best for them? Or better yet – do we prefer being oblivious to their needs and play the whole thing out so we can tell ourselves we are a good friend?

These human anomalies, memory glitches even downright untruths we tell ourselves -have got me looking into myself and shining the light on my shadow aspects and the stories I tell myself to be able to better face myself in the mirror.

It’s been an exercise of looking at who I have been from someone else’s perspective – and then asking myself whether I could have done it any better? If not, I forgive myself for any pain I might have caused and I own it. I own that I’m not ‘supportive’ or ‘the best parent ever’ – not all of the time and not to everyone. I own that I can be inadequate in that area and flag it (if I think it necessary) as an area of improvement.

This mirror I tell you it lies. It’s about looking deeper than the illusion we first see. Deeper than the perception we create about ourselves. It is work for the brave – time to call out the inner lion or lioness!

Creative genius

So this morning I woke up to the sunshine after a couple of days of rain in the Certona Valley of Siena.

It’s been 2 very emotional days here – I have watched my limiting beliefs creep into my thoughts and leave me quite paralyzed at times. My inner critic has been having a feast – surrounded by phenomenal, successfully published authors with Masters in Fine Arts and multiples genres on their belts – it’s no wonder why holding my own has been challenging. This physical body with its physical identity of separating one from another needed to be managed.

As I sat at the orientation brunch of this two week writers residency programme and heard everyone share their projects and their challenges and the messages they are attempting to share with the world – I felt myself connect to this safety circle and re-member ‘I am a soul’ – I am as they are, as we are! All divine- all one!

And once I let that go – the magic has unfolded. It’s been Christmas morning every morning. The day reveals little hidden gifts – I just have to re-member who I am and I receive.

I thank my generous spouse and truly awesome kids for all their coaching, love and support that allows me to build my tribe. My tribe of creative genius …, very blessed!

Breaking free

Through all these liberties God has afforded me and I have had the courage to gift to myself … I look back on the last week and I know already – I am forever changed.

What sticks out for me most right now is my sense of freedom. Don’t get me wrong – I’m hardly an enslaved women in my home. But, I hardly allow myself limitlessness.

I allow time, responsibilities that truly aren’t really do or die – schedules and expectations to keep me shackled. Being here in Tuscany in the rolling hills and valleys I have planned nothing in advance, went with what I felt worked for the day and approached this trip trusting that however much or little I see will be perfectly right for me. Letting go of the kids and their health and well-being, my spouse and how to help him cope has all aided this process towards limitlessness. It’s been abundant … abundant smiles, abundant ease, uncomfortably beautiful experiences and abundant time with me and my divinity.

Never again will I let myself feel caged.

Today I fully comprehend the meaning of this enigmatic Rumi quote. We don’t even know we’re trapped. And when we do – we blame others … when all it takes is turning the key and letting ourselves out. But to be fair the true courage lies in walking away from the cage… leaving it behind and taking the leap of faith!

Healing food

I had to pinch myself today … if someone had to tell me that I would be transported into the depths of the forest in Tuscany, pass deer and wild boars towards a cooking school in the woods, I would have never believed it.

Feeling so blessed to have come across this experience by chance yesterday – tried for a booking and there was space today. Wow! I was in an Italian kitchen literally making dough for my own ravioli and proofing my pizza dough while tiramisu was underway.

I never realized how calming and therapeutic good food, amazing music and cooking together with warm and loving souls could be. The hosts and I chopped and sliced and kneaded and rolled. And the more I seemed to work the dough and sift the flour the more I felt myself open up and release. We laughed and played and danced. Literally ate, drank and was merry.

I feel truly satiated with my intoxicating soul food experience. Even got to bring padkos for tomorrow – wrapped in plastic ware and foil. Warmed my blessed heart.

Food for the soul … Hey! Soul food😊

Into myself

I have peppered this trip with moments to play, sense and inspire my creativity, and others to reflect, connect and feel being with me.

Today’s that perfect pyjama day. Montepulciano – a small town about an hour from Siena is where I’ve chosen to nestle myself – an airbnb apartment in the historic city centre. From my window this morning I hear the Italian store owners greeting each other as they open the Bottegas (small corner shops) and the early bird American tourists excitedly make their way up the street to the site where the Twilight Saga- New Moon Volterra scenes were filmed.

After my normal morning routine, i sit at my window, sip my coffee and reflect on how much more i have learned about myself. The framework i use to do this I use with my Life Coaching clients. I thought I’d share these today as i find them so useful and worth tracking at least annually on our journey to firstly get to know ourselves – towards falling in love with ourselves. Hard to fall in love with someone you don’t know right? Doing this exercise today helped me respect how much i have changed in the last few months. For the worse or the better – i really don’t know? And in the greater scheme of life, who am i to judge me?

Try it out – give yourself an hour today. Have a soak in an epsom salt bath, play your favorite music and check your VITALS:

Values – what are the important values that describe you?

Interests – what do you give your attention to and what piques your curiosity

Temperament – how do you recalibrate? Alone? Are you happier being spontaneous or having plans? Do you prefer details or big ideas?

Around the clock – are you a morning person? Do you prefer exercising in the evenings? What time of the day are you most energetic?

Life Mission – what’s your purpose in life? It doesn’t have to be a physical goal. Get people to smile? Promote peace? What motivates you to wake up every morning?

Strengths – In ability? Skill? And Character?

You may only get through a few of these at each sitting – that’s all good! When you are complete – read it over. Be amused. Be impressed. Be forgiving and make at least one change in your life to Honour who you are!

One step closer to the Divine YOU!

Falling in love

I fell in love again today…. forgot how great that feels.

I was sitting at the balcony of a pub eating crispy bruschetta with truffle oil and porcini mushroom overlooking Il Campo in Siena. The midday sun was beating down on the oval shaped square and tourists were vying the northern edges of the building line looking for strips of shade.

At eyeline was all the first floors of these century old maize yellow buildings with fading plaster, scabbed and chipped brickwork and rusty wrought iron railings. Having just been in the center of the square enovalled by these beautiful old buildings and towering palazzo and fountains of Gaia running beneath me – I looked into the tourists capturing different angles and tried to place this feeling in my heart.

Sweet relief from the Tuscan sun came in the form of a light cool breeze as I gazed upon the palazzo. I felt such peace in this square unlike I have felt anywhere else in this trip. And I placed it, the oval sunken palazzo with curved palazzo and buildings felt like a huge hug! I felt sun-kissed and hugged at Il Campo today….

….. I fell in love!

Last day nostalgia

So I woke up with a low grade panic as I realized that my time in this magical bustling city is nearing an end. I was so caught up in the nostalgia and time travel in Florence that I hadn’t walked into a single store or bought any gifts.

So I started my day gifting – I don’t know why but buying a gift for a loved one really fills my heart – I carefully selected scarves and hats that I knew would suit my family members and got to bargain at the mercato centrale over olive oil.

Shopping in hand I headed to the experience that I’ve been looking forward to all week – an outdoor watercolour painting class. In Firenze! Out of a movie right? And I was living it … woohoooooo!

What a surreal moment – I met the art teacher near Duomo and we strolled down towards the Arno river with our supplies in hand and within 10 minutes I was sitting in a park and sketching out the skyline of the Italian palaces. Soon everything faded …. the tired tourists resting on the benches … the young lovers kissing under the giant trees all the city sounds…. It was me … the palaces and the cool afternoon breeze from the flowing Arno.

The sketching took me into myself as drawing and painting does. I usually paint in oils and this was my attempt to extend myself. Let’s just say as picturesque and therapeutic as my creative afternoon was – my watercolor requires a lot more practice than my 4 hour class. I hadn’t realized how mentally exhausted I was until I reached my hotel room – take away pizza and shopping in hand.

Drifting off to sleep I thought ‘ magical Firenze …. I will be back’ Who knows? Maybe to study art …

Feast your senses

Yesterday’s Knick knack shopping so satisfied my sense of touch and feel, so today I unleashed my other 4 senses. I scheduled my day around tastes and flavors and trusted that the rest will appear.

With Gelateria on almost every corner in Firenze I was spoilt for choice. I settled on Grom – 2 scoops of creamy hazelnut and chocolate gelato had my tastebuds doing the Macarena!

This equipped me for my step back in time at the Ufizzi Gallery. The Renaissance art left me in awe of the magnitude, depth in Colour and detail of the pieces produced by the Italian legends. And the building itself, with original frescoes and the view from the balcony. A sight for sore eyes.

My tired feet seemed to forget their woes as the gold jewelry stores flagged me as I crossed the Ponte Vecchio. And not more than 10 feet on the other side of the Arno river was Gino’s Bakery – with Gino himself serving up his renowned cannoli. This Italian pastry was thin and crispy and filled with a cappuccino flavored sweet mascarpone on the inside.

Savoring every last bite I headed towards Piazza Santa Maria Nouvelle only to be met on a side street by the scent of the most beautiful flowers. I literally backtracked and stopped in front of the Santa Maria Nouvelle Perfumerie. What a sensual delight. From Almond oil soap bars that smell like ‘royal creams’ to ‘rose water’ incense sticks and ‘spring flower’ room sprays – I was transported to fields of flowers at every turn. A few hundred euro later – having engaged my senses of taste, sight and smell I made my weary way back to the hotel.

With the sun setting behind me I reflected on how much I enjoyed stimulating my senses today only to be met by the resonating sounds of UB40’s timeless ‘I can’t help falling in love with you’ echoing in the square ahead. Parcels in hand I headed to the steps of the church and joined the rest of the rest as the nostalgic voice of this lone guitarist brought to an end my sensory buffet. What a feast! Fit for a queen …. or a Medici!

Timelessness

I feel like I’ve lived many lives in this one blessed lifetime i am in. Wore many masks and got the opportunity to try them all on for size. I remember less that a decade ago running my life by the clock, being productive, multitasking. Efficient and respectful – i called it! So that didn’t work … i was overwhelmed, always in my head, outwardly looking sooo successful but miserable on the inside …. no surprises there. So … typical me i explore the extreme opposite, threw my watches away, and ambled through my day, cancelled coffees on a whim, ran late for almost everything – and while i was a lot calmer and forgiving of myself – I didn’t get much done in the way of everyday living. So the balance between the two is where I’m currently operating and on this pilgrimage the question keeps coming up – how much to plan and how much to just wing it and go with the flow…

I started yesterday with an intention to being the master of time, or maybe it was just submitting to time and its will. Relinquishing control. And what do you know, as i left my boutique hotel in Firenze, just about 50m away from a hotel in a usually vacant park was a Saturday Antique market.

Now anyone who knows me will tell you i love other peoples stuff, i find it tells a story and has so much more depth and meaning. I find myself making up stories about pieces of furniture, ornaments etc. that i usually pick up for my home from Melville in Johannesburg.

So this was quite a feast for me – opened up a whole new range of stories involving the Renaissance, Medici family and Italia Mamas… So my inner child was loving this spread, touching and taking in amazing pieces, smelling musty old people smells and spinning tales all at the same time. Quite sensational.

I then stopped at a rather inconspicuous store that caught my attention cos of the old grandfather clock. Similar to the clock from my grandparents home that donged every hour in their lounge. I remember it disturbing my sleep on my holiday sleepovers on the pull out sofa bed. Well this store owner was clearly as committed as i was to understand time and its meaning in our lives. He had made jewelry, rings, bracelets, pendants (everything other than watches) with old watch faces. Every shape, colour and size. Something out of Alice in Wonderland – i tell you.

I was intrigued, captivated! As i played with the intricate pieces, it dawned on me – I’m standing in an antique market that has evidenced the timelessness of items -showing me how the time has passed for an item in the hands of one but just begun in the hands of another. How one mans junk is another mans treasure. And how we can throw away history and time or cherish it.

So i guess my learning was to put time into the perspective that serves me best. Not to be enslaved by it, not to try to control it, but instead to let it be as it is and to include it and shape it for my life as it best serves me. For this trip i have earmarked how to spend 20% of my time on sights, tours and reflection activities and as for the rest………

Time will tell!