Yesterday I was faced with the most ridiculous dilemma. As part of my 40th birthday celebrations – I shared the most pure and blissful day in the company of two of the most beautiful souls I have ever met – my two dearest friends.
It stands to reason that the day flowed with ease and grace, all that we ate and drank (including the margarita pizza) was nourishing and delicious, and time seemed to stand still. Laughter, freedom and bliss was the theme of the day.
It seems to me when I look back on the day, the most prominent image that keeps coming to my mind is the look of love in each of my beloveds' eyes. And as much as being in that moment felt safe and true – the power of that love in all its simplicity has left me feeling uneasy. It almost feels indigestible – as I said to you – quite ridiculous!
This peculiar situation has forced me to look within myself and question why I am unable to integrate this profoundly simple and pure experience.
All this soul searching has resulted in me realizing that receiving is quite overrated and really not my forte. Quite crazy – since I find giving so easy and rewarding, and in theory – I'm hell bent on the fact that I deserve to be 'pampered, surprised and spoilt' on occasion. So do I really believe I deserve it? Am I truly worthy of being loved? Of receiving? Of feeling special?
My internal voices found it difficult to not search for ways to 'pay back' or find a 'logical reason' why these two souls just love me so openly and completely. There must be an ulterior motive right? My brain kept searching for a reference to place this experience and the inner conflict at finding no such integrated moment was physically very unsettling.
What this meant was – in my last 40 years – despite having been gifted or loved or appreciated, I never truly absorbed that blessing into my being. Instead I let my mind talk me into a convincing story that always seemed to end with me saying to myself – chin up Kay – you will be fine!
So my new goal is to receive fully whatever I am being blessed with and to tell that advocate that resides in my head that his services are no longer required – I will represent myself!